Viva La Gambling

Posted on January 28, 2017 by Ben Gannon

One would think, with the Super Bowl more than a week away, gambling may be slow for the remaining eight excruciating days without American football. This is the only event in America creating thousands of jobs the following Monday when so many don’t report to work after Super Bowl Sunday.

Not so fast. With the new President stirring things up a bit, I have already won a friendly bet regarding his idea that Mexico would be more than happy to pay for a 14 billion dollar wall separating the alliance with our tequila manufacturing amigos. While I believed Mexico would be setting up pinatas in the shape of a malignant narcissistic, pouty faced, bullying liar, my friend truly believed Mexico would cower to Trump as though he was a card carrying member of the Magnificent Seven. Still, it took some persuasive tactics to convince him to take the bet. I had to provide odds. So, I told him if Mexico declined on this more than generous olive branch of opportunity, his end of the bargain was treating me to a bowl of Seattle’s finest clam chowder. If Mexico was drunk enough to say, “ayyeee yeyyy yeeea, yi yi yi, Si! Build thee wall. We pay for it all, amigo! Do you want my wife and daughter as well? Ahh ha ha ha ha ha ha!” I told him I’d give him 14 billion dollars. Pretty risky bet, but I felt the odds were still in my favor.

Winning the bet, my friend was less than happy to pay for the chowder when he found out it contained a mysterious spice indigenous only to Mexico, thus costing him an extra dollar for the importation tariff.

Overrated

Posted on January 17, 2017 by Ben Gannon

Without disclosing how I voted, I find certain observations by the person who will hold the highest position in the world relatively overrated. That doesn’t mean I necessarily agree with some people, places and things he believes to be overrated or fake. I just think some of his true comments are funny. So, let’s laugh for the next four years before I run for President…….of some undisclosed or, “fake” nation.

“Midwestern ice storms are overrated.”

“Christmas is way overrated. Who is this Jesus guy?”

“Carrots are overrated. They don’t improve your eyesight. Just ask Bugs Bunny.”

“Chess is overrated.”

“Gandhi should have eaten more.”

“Cassius Clay was clearly overrated.”

“I’ve never heard of Babe Ruth, but I bet he was overrated.”

“Lou Gehrig was a phony. That disease is overrated.”

“Great White Sharks are overrated. Jaws was fake. Just look at the footage. It’s comical.”

“Rocky is real.”

“The Moon doesn’t exist ……respectfully, for those who thought they walked on it.”

“Hacking, unless properly utilized, is overrated.”

“Bigfoot does exist, just in case you were wondering. I can’t prove it. I can’t prove anything.”

” And lastly, and most critical, Cheetos are overrated. The mascot is not Tony the Tiger.”

Only because he will destroy our country, or make it better, as an American voter, I will root for him, but I won’t kiss his lucky tower.

This puny world can exist without Barnum and Bailey’s elephants, but we can also exist without this clown.

The Revolution

Posted on January 8, 2017 by Ben Gannon

Just to let everyone in cyberspace know, the New Year doesn’t officially begin until the college football National Champion is proved to be worth the wait. Therefore, don’t worry about your phony resolutions until Tuesday, the ninth of January. Wipe that sweat off your brow, and live it up for two more days. I’m making stew.

Let’s Make One Beer Funny Again!

Posted on December 30, 2016 by Ben Gannon

Companied with beer, my mother always said “Laughter is a great chaser.” In her mind, “chaser” was the medicine. Approaching one hundred years of age, I’ve stood at ease listening to her glorious laughter for decades, but I’ve only witnessed her drinking one beer. She should have been more specific with the ratio of beer to laughter while providing this advice to some of her spawn.

Have a safe New Year, and then more to follow.

Resurrection

Posted on December 17, 2016 by Ben Gannon

Resurrecting a story should be reserved for those who are canonized in literature or paleolithic history…….I guess. Charlie Brown Specials, The Grinch, Frosty, and some of those claymation documentaries about Rudolf and Santa should remain frozen in our holiday television sets.

That being written, I may be so bold as to resurrect one of my most sacred of holiday blogs. It’s a favorite of the blasphemy blog section. I hope it’s one of yours.

While traveling along the highway somewhere in Spokane, Washington going to Anywhere, Washington, amidst a flurry of snowflakes, a friend of mine and his dad witnessed something special. It was an icicle laced billboard displaying an image of HIM…. Jesus, or God, or whatever floats your arc, raising His hands in glory to the sky. The sign read, “Jesus Christ is Christmas.” Despite your faith, the sign might resonate to some forgetting the true meaning of Christmas.

Fortunately, for our own nostalgia, my friend’s father misread the billboard. He bellowed with terrific irreverence, “Jesus Christ, it’s Christmas?!”

Trying to park at Target, CostCo, or even a 7-11 this time of year may manifest that phrase in even the most pious of us all.

Jesus Christ. It is, indeed, almost Christmas.

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Christmas Special

Posted on December 6, 2016 by Ben Gannon

After watching upwards of fifty hours of football last weekend, I chose to flip the channel to a heartwarming, annual Christmas Special. Under the holiday radar, the channel landed on a popular movie starring the late Patrick Swayze. The title of the movie is “Road House.” It’s a daisy of a can’t miss, feel good movie with only one scene displaying Swayze tearing someone’s throat out before he sends the victim’s wife a form letter arriving on Christmas Eve, also including a semi sincere apology for killing her husband.

“Form letters sometimes hurt.” I may be mistaken, but I believe that’s a famous quote from the movie.

Happy Holidays!

Goggles

Posted on November 29, 2016 by Ben Gannon

“Connection of the Blind” (a worthy cause) called my one hundred and something mother the other day, and after answering, my mother responded, “I can’t help you. I’m deaf.”

As a joke, this wouldn’t be funny. My mother genuinely made a point.

Passing Pride

Posted on November 29, 2016 by Ben Gannon

“Fart Proudly.” That’s a quote from Benjamin Franklin. Evidently, Ben was a discerning man, especially when it came to gas taxes and Turkeys. Further observing one of our Nation’s greatest holidays, Ben voted for the turkey over the Balding Eagle as our Nation’s symbol of recognition.

Post Thanksgiving, our dog and cat recommended I seek help following the five day stretch of the Thanksgiving feast.

Recognizing my gas being exceptionally offensive during and following the Thanksgiving Days, I have checked myself into a two room flatulence rehab center: One room is for me, and the other is for my delicate, and quite unfortunate, release of, well, farts. Many won’t appreciate my condolences when renting this room following my departure, and for that, I am truly sorry.

Ultimately, we are all human waste.

I just hope I’m allowed back in our house.

Hopefully, she says, “This too shall pass.”

Just Some Stuffing

Posted on November 23, 2016 by Ben Gannon

Stuff this and dress that. I do love the dressing and the stuffing. Dark or white turkey? I’ll take both with a splash of gravy. (No one knows the difference if good gravy is on anything.) Yams and Sweet potatoes really aren’t my thing, but what the hell, I’ll try them both. Marshmallows on top of the dish only cloud the potatoes exceptional nutritional value.

I’ll even give a shout out to green bean casserole. (“Casserole” being one of the most difficult dishes to spell but easiest to make.)

Apple and Pumpkin Pie can fight amongst themselves for a bit, but eventually get along, once the proper whipped cream makes the decision not worthy of fighting.

Thank you, food.

Good Gravy

Bottled Water: 1976

Posted on November 19, 2016 by Ben Gannon

Born in 1973, I guess I knew what bottled milk was, but bottled water?….. I’m still getting used to the idea.

In 1976, my brother, Steve, didn’t know what bottled water was either. Since we came from a town with reliable tap water, why would the idea of bottling it cross our cave dwelling minds? Bottled water to Steve, and many others, was as inconceivable as a man landing on the moon. He heard it had happened in 1969, but similar to others, Steve requested moon rocks to confirm it. Bottled water was no exception.

My brother, Steve, was in Cleveland, Ohio during the 1976 Wrestling Olympic Trials. As a former National Collegiate Wrestling Champion, he was qualified for the trials. Clearly, his opponents would be formidable, but according to him, not quite as intimidating as the tap water in Cleveland. While staying at a local Cleveland Sheridan, Steve, after a lengthy workout, tasted the water in his hotel room. His description of the water was less than delightful.

“It was a milky substance tasting as though it had also ran through a 1927 garden hose.”

After a call to the front desk, Steve informed the clerk, with detail, something was wrong with the water, and other guests should be notified before drinking it. The desk clerk’s response was simple.

“You didn’t drink any of that water, did you?”

“Well, Yes!”

“Sir, everyone knows they shouldn’t drink any of our water out of the tap.”

“Well, I’m not everyone! What the hell am I supposed to drink?!!”

“Bottled water, Sir.”

“What the Hell is that?”

“It’s water in a bottle which has been distilled and packaged for consumption when common tap water is filled with human waste, as well as many other animal’s less than agreeable releases.”

“Ok. Can you send some of that stuff up here?”

Steve never qualified for the Olympics, but he is still alive and drinking tap water.

Swing Like a Wild Man

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